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preserving a memory...

I just returned from my 3-week trip to India. I never imagined I'd enjoy it so much or that I'd miss the place so much when I return. I've gotten over the initial hopelessness that comes from being homesick. Now it's a happy memory.

I began this post to document a fragment of that happy memory. It involves a bit of gore and lots of love :).

During my stay, I took care of all my medical necessities since nothing gets done in the US without health insurance and endless waiting and pointless screening. One of these necessities was a little surgery on my scalp. You see, I havehad these godforsaken cysts (tiny ones...I can't think of anything to compare their size with :)). I had the procedure done once before when I had a single cyst removed from my scalp. It was virtually painless the first time. This time, however, I had three of them.

Even with the local anaesthetic, this time, I could feel the blade on all three of them. I didn't anticipate the pain and was taken by surprise. I panicked, blood started trickling down my hair to the side, I couldn't breathe with the hair all over my face and started feeling light-headed. The surgeon asked the nurse to hold my hand, clear the hair from my face, turn on the fan so I could feel the air on my face and went on with his work in spite of me complaining that it was painful. The whole thing (incision on the scalp, prying the cysts free and finally stitching up the wound) must've taken about 15 mins.

After the surgery, I was sent to the adjoining recovery room to rest for a while before heading home. I could feel the pain but it wasn't unbearable. I could smell the blood that the nurse couldn't get off. It stuck to my hair and matted it together, it made me a bit woozy (blood always makes me dizzy). But the worst feeling was the fear. I don't really know why I was so scared (considering the surgery was over), maybe it was because I was so unprepared for the pain, maybe cause I almost lost consciousness and control in the operating room or maybe it was just plain irrational fear. I lay on the bed, my head turned to a side and resting on the pillow, my eyes filled to the brim and my lips quivering to hold back the tears. Then my mom entered the room.

She sat next to me, cocked her head to a side, looked at me, smiled her beautiful, soothing, angelic smile and said, 'Hey, what's the matter with you? you'll be fine. why the tears?' and lay her hand on my face. Something happened at that instant. I couldn't hold my tears back anymore, they just poured out; gushed out is more like it. Mom's touch has always had that effect on me. Whenever I fall sick, even to this day, the one thing I long most for is her touch. She has the softest hands I've ever felt, yes softer than a baby's; When she touches it's like she pours all her love into that one moment, into that touch. It's therapeutic. I don't know if it was the feel of her hand or just the fact that they were her hands that released all that bottled up fear inside me. She couldn't understand why I was crying when I said the pain wasn't as bad; neither could I. I held her hand there on my face and she just sat helplessly staring at me. I cried. That was all I could do, nothing made sense to me but I couldn't stop the tears.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 21st, 2009 12:23 pm (UTC)
Toward the end, I thought it got all touchy. (I was touched!)

Yeah, your mom has a very pleasant smile. You did'nt let me touch her hands though. :| Maybe next time you're around..

I think anyone reading this post will form an instant reflection of themselves in the doubt, confusion, illogical reactions and reassurance that you've managed to fit in there. :) Count me in.

(tiny ones...I can't think of anything to compare their size with :))

Ping-pong balls? :)
Jul. 21st, 2009 10:05 pm (UTC)
The biggest cyst was the size of a pea. It took 3 stitches for one, 2 for the second and 1 for the last. :)

Jul. 22nd, 2009 12:03 pm (UTC)
okai.. There is such a thing as "too much info" you know. **faints!**
Jul. 21st, 2009 02:45 pm (UTC)
Gosh, it's just 9:30am in the morning for me and I am crying reading this post. It is so much lovable post, although you did endure some pain of the surgery.

*Hugs* hope you feel better now.
Jul. 21st, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC)
Sometimes you just have to cry
and be held by someone who genuinely loves you!
Jul. 24th, 2009 02:05 pm (UTC)
glad that's over, huh?

i go to india too for health related stuff! i find it all so much more reassuring and straight-forward. and yes, having parents there at the time is a huge bonus.

really nice post, by the way.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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